Doug Ford insists he will not hesitate to shut things down if he hears of any bad COVID news
TORONTO – Doug Ford has remained steadfast in his claim that if there is a single sign of trouble in regards to COVID, he will shut everything down. “Oh, you don’t want to know how willing …
iPhone battery collapsing from 100% to 1% signals arrival of winter
VANCOUVER – iPhones across the Vancouver area have signaled the beginning of winter by collapsing in battery power when subjected to a temperature below 9 degrees Celsius. “I can’t wait to …
Government reassures Canadians who ran out of EI they are still eligible for “Call Your Parents” benefit
OTTAWA – The Trudeau Government has reassured Canadians that every person who is no longer able to apply for government assistance can apply for the “Call Your Parents” benefit. “It’s great…
Health Canada convenes emergency press conference to declare you’re doing quarantine wrong
OTTAWA – At a special press conference Health Canada officials, doctors and scientists came together to declare their finding that you specifically are doing quarantine wrong. “As the…
Trump pivots to claiming he actually won 2008 election
WASHINGTON D.C. – After a frantic series of overnight tweets in which he baselessly claimed to have actually won the recent election, outgoing President Donald Trump changed tactics by clai…
Alberta launches contact tracing app notifying users if they’ve been near David Suzuki
EDMONTON – The Canadian Energy Centre has launched a new mobile app that will warn users if they were in close contact with environmentalist David Suzuki. Albertans who download the mobile …
Rising COVID case numbers risk killing vibe at house party
VANCOUVER – Rising COVID-19 case numbers across the country have led to an increased risk of killing the vibe at an otherwise pretty lit house party, according to several partying sources. …
Trump announces rallies, lawsuits in bid to make self too pitiful to arrest
WASHINGTON D.C. – As news outlets confirm their earlier projections of a Biden electoral college win, President Donald Trump has announced further intentions to contest the results in a bid…
Biden wins election nine days after winning election
ATLANTA, GA – After final vote tallies from Arizona and Georgia, Joe Biden has won the U.S. presidential election only nine days after winning the U.S. presidential election. With a total o…
Elon Musk unveils advanced mining drill that goes deep enough to pull his head out from his ass
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass. “Today i…
