QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario premier Doug Ford has come forward to calm concerns that he is doing nothing, by insisting he and his team are working “day and night” to find a way to screw up Onta...
Inner thigh begins summer courtship with testicles
VANCOUVER — Onlookers at Cardero Park hoping to escape the record noon-day heat today were instead witness to something equally sweltering: watching intently as Kevin Shang’s left thigh solemnly swore...
Giuliani to appeal law suspension all the way up to Supreme Court Total Landscaping
NEW YORK CITY – After being suspended from practising law in New York State due to his many “misleading statements” as personal lawyer to former President Trump, Rudy Giuliani has angrily vowed ...
32-year-old unable to commit to relationship knows exactly what pro wrestling entrance music would be
Niagara Falls, ON – While Daniel Kyle is unable to commit to a romantic relationship, the thirty-two-year-old graphic designer knows exactly what he’d choose for his pro-wrestling entrance music...
Pressure to reopen border mounts as more and more wayward frisbees flung into U.S.
OTTAWA – With many Canadians spending time outside to enjoy the summer weather, the government is experiencing a strong push to reopen the border as an increasing number of errant frisbees land ...
Nova Scotia announces new measures to contain the spread of New Brunswickers
HALIFAX – In a surprise move, the province of Nova Scotia has announced additional restrictions at its border, aimed at containing the spread of New Brunswickers. “We know that these new restric...
John Tory defends ruthlessly evicting Unhoused people from parks: “Toronto belongs to the rich”
TORONTO – Under fire for sending in hundreds of armed police and private security to evict 25 unhoused people from an encampment in Trinity Bellwoods Park, mayor John Tory defended his actions b...
CDC announces that schoolchildren can finally swap masks for bulletproof vests
ATLANTA – More than fifteen months into the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that children returning to in-person learning can finally take ...
“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse. “I ...
Local woman tired of the 3 shitty little meals she knows how to make
GUELPH, ON – Local accounts manager Mary Nierling confirmed today that there are only three meals she knows how to make and she is completely disgusted by all of them at this point. “I was reall...
