Nova Scotia announces new measures to contain the spread of New Brunswickers - The Beaverton

Nova Scotia announces new measures to contain the spread of New Brunswickers

HALIFAX – In a surprise move, the province of has announced additional restrictions at its border, aimed at containing the spread of New Brunswickers.

“We know that these new restrictions come as a surprise, but we believe that this is necessary to protect Nova Scotians,” said Nova Scotia Premier Iain Rankin. “We’ve seen in the past that just a few uncontained New Brunswickers can spread rapidly and get completely out of control. Projections from our top officials have shown that if we let in one family from without proper screening and isolation, within two weeks we could see hundreds of Nova Scotians eating rappie pie, marching in Tintamarre parades and showing the first warning signs of bilingualism. That’s not a risk we can take right now.”

Dr. Robert Strang, chief medical officer for the province of Nova Scotia, warns of a possible Miramichi strain of New Brunswicker that poses an especially serious threat. “If one of those slips into the province unnoticed, our citizens may begin demonstrating an unusual affinity for the Irving family, and eating disgusting Pal-o-Mine bars.” The added gravely, “Once Nova Scotians begin rolling their cars down a backwoods hill and calling it ‘magnetic’, the spread will be irreversible.”

Many Nova Scotians have expressed support for the new measure, citing the need to keep their loved ones safe.

“I know some people are upset about the restrictions, but as someone whose family has been personally affected by New Brunswickers, I’m glad to see that the province is taking precautions,” said 58-year-old Dartmouth resident William MacNeil. “Last year my mother’s long-term care home accidentally moved in a resident from Moncton, and my mother was directly exposed. For two weeks she struggled to even breathe without mentioning how high the tides are at the Bay of Fundy. I’d never want to see another family go through something like that.”

The other provinces have announced that they will not be implementing new border restrictions, but will instead be encouraging residents to protect their families by staying six feet away from New Brunswickers at all times.