5 tips to make your Valentine’s Day as hot and steamy as St. Valentine’s execution

Today is the day of love, where we slow down our normal routine, take a moment, and cherish those we love. Whether it’s a partner, spouse, or just a friend with benefits, we all know the thrill o…

5 ways to spot which Facebook friend is about to post a think piece on why “Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic trap”

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and so is the looming threat of a Facebook post by that friend of yours who needs you to know that you’re scum for celebrating Valentine’s Day! We all k…

HBO ready to offer up another Game of Thrones prequel, you sick fucks

LOS ANGELES, CA – HBO reportedly has another Game of Thrones prequel series in development, which they are really hoping is what you fucking people want. Based on George R.R. Martin’s more …

Third man on bobsleigh team admits he sometimes tilts head the wrong way just to feel something

CALGARY – In a stunning revelation, world class bobsledder Bernhard Steuzel admitted in a recent interview that he sometimes tilts his head the opposite direction of the rest of his team in…

Rogers can’t fucking believe they’re the less evil telecom giant

TORONTO – The Board of Rogers Communications Inc. expressed disbelief this morning that they’ve become the ‘good one’ of Canada’s two telecom giants. “I don…

Study: Every winter Canadians complain that every winter Canadians complain about the winter

OTTAWA – A new study has found that, for every three complaints expressed about winter, one complaint has been made about said complaints. “It’s like it’s their first winter ever!” said one…

Boris Johnson holds emergency press conference to remind everyone his hair still looks like that

LONDON – UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson held an urgent press conference this morning to inform those who didn’t already know that his hair still looks like an old hay mop that’s missing so…

Confused John Tory searches for videos that live in people’s heads rent free so he can evict them

TORONTO – Mayor, lawyer, and new TikTok user John Tory is just learning about the trending topic of videos that “live in one’s head rent-free” but he’s taking action – Tory is hoping …

Bell asks Canadians to stop talking

MONTREAL – Bell Media shocked the radio market Tuesday when it shuttered three of its sports-themed stations as part of an ongoing layoff streak, following their recent “Let’s Talk” mental …

NHL vows to protect players’ elbows from spate of vicious headbutts

TORONTO – The NHL has moved to drastically reduce the ongoing plague of league-wide elbow injuries via headbutts by reckless players. Despite growing awareness of the damage done to players…