John Tory finally captures arch nemesis – man who built shelters for homeless

TORONTO – Following years of cat-and-mouse rivalry and a pitched battle on the rooftop of City Hall, Mayor John Tory has finally brought to justice his arch rival – Khaleel Seivwright…

Breaking: Wrong person responds to thirst trap

MONTREAL – In a devastating turn of events, we can report that this evening the wrong person has responded to your thirst trap. The undeniably hot photo you recently posted – lounging…

Firebrand columnist ridicules slow vaccine procurement for virus he doesn’t think is real

TORONTO – In a blistering column, an opinion-maker known for his vitriolic takes has roasted the federal government for its slow vaccine procurement for a disease he doesn’t believe is real…

Woman with death wish shares opinion on Twitter

SASKATOON, SK – Local woman Audrey Cortland has boldly dared to voice an opinion on Twitter, because apparently she has a fucking death wish. “This past year has been incredibly difficult for eve…

“At least the prequels were bad” argues confused Star Wars fan not knowing what he wants anymore

RED DEER, MB – Local Star Wars fan Geoff Stirling, 37, has written a recent article online arguing that he himself doesn’t know what he’d like to argue about Star Wars. “It’s just nice to f…

First Bitcoin ETF will combine simplicity of cryptocurrency with integrity of investment stocks

TORONTO – North America’s first Bitcoin exchange-traded fund opened this week on the Toronto Stock Exchange amidst skyrocketing cryptocurrency values. This new ETF spearheaded by Purpose In…

This baby born in quarantine is 38 now

TORONTO – Local baby, Richard Henderson, born shortly after the first Ontario COVID-19 shutdown, just celebrated his 38th birthday. Henderson, who now suffers from male pattern baldness and…

Mars rover fined for non-essential travel

SACRAMENTO, CA – California Governor Gavin Newsom announced yesterday that the Mars Rover, Perseverance, was going to have to pay a significant fine for breaking the COVID-19 rules on non-e…

Ted Cruz latest Canadian politician caught fleeing to Mexico

Cancun, Mexico – Ted Cruz has joined the ranks of other Canadian politicians fleeing the country when things get rough. The Canadian politician, who is an avid denier of climate change, fle…

Ominous ‘Family Meeting’ invite implies someone either died or wants to play Scrabble

MEDICINE HAT, AB – A vague Google Calendar invite has left Emily Kidd worried that her family has either suffered a horrible tragedy or, even worse, wants to spend the whole evening playing Scrab…