Jason Kenney’s new restrictions include his sternest frowning yet
EDMONTON – Jason Kenney frowned directly into the camera for several minutes before announcing a new set of restrictions to combat Alberta’s soaring COVID rates. “Okay, you guys, this one’s for …
Ford recommends lying in order to get vaccine faster
TORONTO – During a recent press conference Premier Doug Ford recommended lying about your personal information in order to get the COVID vaccine faster. “After speaking with my experts, we …
“Who are we to say whether you should get the AstraZeneca vaccine or not?” says National Advisory Committee on Immunization
OTTAWA – The National Advisory Committee on Immunization has been accused of causing confusion by telling Canadians they “should do whatever feels right to them” with respect to…
Ontario LTC Minister Fullerton in isolation after brief exposure to accountability
TORONTO – Ontario’s Minister of Long Term Care Merrilee Fullerton was rushed out of a media scrum after being briefly exposed to accountability yesterday. The minister will spend the next 1…
US to trick vaccine hesitant individuals into taking vaccine by wrapping it in peanut butter
ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any …
People of Alberta forced to launch their own war room lobbying for COVID response
CALGARY – The people of Alberta have announced their own war room which hopes to get the provincial government to take COVID-19 seriously. The new lobby organization, the Alberta People Cen…
Neat! This person who didn’t take the lockdown seriously is about to get vaccinated before you
TORONTO, ONT – Local resident, Tom Anderson, who didn’t follow any lockdown rules, is about to get vaccinated before you. Awesome! “This pandemic has been very hard,” began Anderson, who ju…
Alberta promptly issues emergency alert 14 months later
EDMONTON – Alberta’s UCP government has issued an emergency alert that should have been sent out sometime in early 2020. Acting swiftly to prevent a catastrophe that is already happen…
“This is so Kafkaesque,” says man with penis stuck in watermelon
AIRDRIE, AB – In a harrowing ordeal that serves as a trenchant insight into the alienation fundamental to the human condition, Charles Sharp’s wing wang is currently jammed in a 23 pound watermel…
Local woman tragically forced to explain TikTok to therapist
HALIFAX – After a particularly harrowing week online, local University student Becky Clyborne was left with no choice but to explain the inner workings of TikTok to her therapist. “I told h…
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