JACKSONVILLE, FL – After months of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s ineffective pandemic response, President Biden today announced he is removing his hat in sorrow as he allows Covid-19 to have the great state.
“As a cruel battle commander may take his enemy’s daughter to wife, so today does Covid take Florida,” said Biden at today’s press conference. “We hope this offering made in the spirit of friendship will soothe the virus’s savage breast.”
“During a crisis, sacrifices must be made, and we thank the noble and unwilling state of Florida for being that sacrifice,” added Biden, wiping a tear from his eye and waving farewell as his interns removed Florida from all the fancy yellowed White House maps.
Media outlets are calling Biden’s decision a mere formality, as Florida’s surging case count indicates the state was already in Covid’s nefarious grasp. Biden’s team confirmed surrendering Florida will be easier than funding more hospitals, mandating vaccines, or making DeSantis meet with his health officials instead of booking more Fox News appearances.
“Will many an innocent Floridian suffer by this sacrifice? Yes,” Biden admitted. “Is this a tragedy? Surely. Is this what the entire population of Florida deserves? Absolutely not. Is there some way I could have stepped in and prevented disaster? You would think so!” Biden continued asking and answering his own questions until every last journalist had left the press conference.
When asked what Covid “having” Florida will look like, Biden stated, “It’s anyone’s guess – Florida has long operated on its own logic. Most likely a Bride of Chucky scenario, wherein Florida will become a shorter, sexier version of Covid.”
Florida residents have been surprisingly supportive of Biden’s decision, with crocodile-slash-meth dealer Liam Madris saying, “I’d do the same with us in his position – we’re friggin’ impossible,” and local rusty bucket collector Earl Reat adding, “I’ve long been arguing the secret cure to Covid is bath salts, so we here in Florida are gonna be aaalll riiiiight.”
Biden has not stated what this transfer of Florida to Covid will entail, but says he is deciding between locking a large novelty door to Florida and throwing away the key, giving Florida away like Father of the Bride in a big wedding ceremony, and sawing Florida off from the mainland and letting it float away “like Bugs Bunny in that funny cartoon.”