TORONTO – As provinces around the country abandon vaccine and mask mandates, a shocking new report has concluded that just because we’d all like the pandemic to be over, doesn’t actu...
Engineer who graduated ten years ago discovers traces of purple paint behind ear
TORONTO – An engineer who graduated a full decade ago has discovered he still has a bit of purple paint behind his ear. Cole Sterling was just a bright-eyed and moderately drunk engineering student wh...
Friend insists you gotta watch first 17 seasons of TV show before it gets good
NETFLIX, Internet – Your friend just scolded you for giving up the show he wanted you to watch after you reported only watching the first three seasons and not liking it. “Dude, you didn’t even ...
REPORT: toe beans an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE
GUELPH, ON – Researchers at the Ontario Veterinary College have published a paper containing a groundbreaking discovery: toe beans are an excellent source of Vitamin EEEEEEE. The researchers made the ...
Manitoba Premier confident this moment of silence for Ukraine could use a story about her kid’s karate class
WINNIPEG – After using a question about a woman’s death as an excuse to talk about her son’s hockey team earlier this week, Manitoba Premier Heather Stefanson thought it would be a good idea to ...
Nation’s dogs just super here for everyone right now
VICTORIA, BC – Dogs across the nation report that they know you’re having a rough time lately and they’re ready to give you whatever the heck you need, okay? “Normally, my owner wakes me up with words...
Doug Ford informs School Boards they can have mask mandates if they go to Private Schools
QUEEN’S PARK – After appearing to reject the Toronto District School Board’s request to extend mask mandates, Premier Ford clarified that they can keep the mandates provided they begin attending...
Quiz: Which Conservative leadership candidate are you, and why is it Pierre Poilievre you sick fuck?
The race to see who will succeed Erin O’Toole as ‘Prime Minister In Waiting For The Liberals To Do Another Scandal’ is on! And there are so many characters involved, from fun 90s thr...
Why I’m celebrating St. Patrick’s Day by driving the snakes out of this PetSmart
St. Patrick’s Day is here again, and with it comes all the usual lame debauchery. Well, while everyone else is out chugging their beer and wearing their “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirts, I will be doing the...
Jokes on you, Russia! Trudeau doesn’t have to visit you to appropriate your culture.
So, you in the Kremlin thought you were safe from cringe-inducing action by Justin Trudeau just because you banned him from the country? Well, unfortunately for you, Canada has been a superpower in te...
