Over 4 million Albertans diagnosed with long-haul Kenney

CALGARY – Doctors have diagnosed all of Alberta with the long term side-effects of Premier Jason Kenney which could last up to 18 months. Symptoms include crowded hospitals, absent leadersh…

New Brunswick orders government employees to hover 2 m above ground to avoid Indigenous land claims

FREDERICTON – In a leaked memo from New Brunswick’s minister of justice, all provincial employees have been ordered to levitate at least 2 meters above the ground to avoid complicating the …

Dad horrified by haunted house’s baseboard installation

GUELPH, ONT. – Family patriarch, Dominic Barker found himself gripped by otherworldly terror upon witnessing the inferior craftsmanship inside the ‘Hell House Experience’ at his local community f…

Canadian Army considers removing sexual misconduct as a prerequisite for leadership

KINGSTON – While controversy builds in the halls of the Canadian military as candidate after candidate for advancement comes under investigation, Army bosses are considering dropping the se…

As vaccines for kids ages 5-11 develop further, you might have to see your douchebag nephew Kyle as soon as this year

OTTAWA – Pfizer and BioNTech have released preliminary data to Health Canada stating that a vaccine for children ages 5 to 11 years could be available sooner than originally thought. Side e…

Leafs begin home opener with annual apology for last season

TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs take to the ice to begin their season, MLSE PR have announced a number of pre-game festivities, including the usual apology for the catastrophic failure that wa…

Shatner manages to have 3 torrid love affairs during 10 minute space flight

VAN HORN, TX – Despite being in space for a mere ten minutes, the man who played Captain Kirk in the 1960s version of Star Trek managed to seduce a sexy Klingon, a USS Enterprise psychologi…

Doug Ford announces all policies will now be based on 2008 Jim Carrey film ‘Yes Man’

TORONTO – After declaring himself the Premier who says Yes, Doug Ford has revealed that he made the decision after re-watching the moderate Jim Carrey hit ‘Yes Man.’ “Folk…

Opinion: I’m actually protesting at this hospital because the cafeteria options are bad

Sick Kids, Toronto – It appears there’s been a misunderstanding. I am not some jerk who is protesting at this hospital because I don’t want to be vaccinated. I am protesting at this hospita…

Adverse reaction experienced by ‘friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’ sole source of vaccine hesitancy

OTTAWA – Following a recent census, Health Canada has determined the sole source of vaccine hesitancy comes from an adverse reaction experienced by ‘friend’s, cousin’s, boyfriend’ or some s…