YOUR TOWN ― After featuring dozens of stories about those who moved to their cottage, started a lucrative TikTok channel, or otherwise benefited from a deadly disease, your local newspaper is dealing with a shortage of upper middle-class white people to lavish attention on.
Earlier headlines include “These smart choices in a pandemic stock market turned one millionaire into a billionaire,” “How lockdowns let this family fulfill their dream of crossing the country in an RV,” and “What it’s like to work remotely ― from Barbados.” More recently though, the outlet worried they’d have to write pieces ordinary citizens can relate to.
Luckily, they have a backup topic: people who, despite not having pre-existing problems severely exacerbated by the pandemic, really “needed” a vacation, where they promptly contracted Omicron, and then whined about not being properly coddled by the government that will foot any resulting hospital bill.
“This pandemic is actually an opportunity to improve your life. For example, now that I’m working from home, I save on gas. One day, we’ll use that extra money for a tutor to get my kid into the Ivy League,” said Laura Olivier, a mother who got a front-page write-up and also just happens to be a cousin of one of the newspaper’s primary shareholders.
Attempts to reach those inspired by Olivier’s story failed, as they were all busy catching the bus to the frontline jobs where they could not afford to take sick days, let alone work remotely.
However, your paper’s chief editor insisted it’s crucial reading. “Olivier’s sacrifices, like not going to Leafs games, really resonate with me. After all, I haven’t eaten at an indoor restaurant for nearly six weeks. But she’s staying positive, and you too can find an upside to the deaths, hunger, educational disruption, delayed surgeries, healthcare burnout, and political polarization COVID has caused.”
“Provided, of course, that like me, you are one of the lucky few whose every concern will be fully resolved the instant the pandemic ends,” he added, before urging people to send their own accounts of successfully enduring isolation in a two-story suburban house.
“Remember, the biggest crisis the world faces today is your riches-to-more-riches story remaining unknown to the single mother feeding her child on food stamps.”