NEW YORK – Following this week’s police action in the capital city, the New York Times has reported that Canada’s head of state, the honorable Prime Minister Bonhomme, declared martial law and ordered troops to engage at gunpoint, ultimately opening fire on the assembled truckers, lumberjacks, and hockey players.
“Facing an influx of protestors who had walked there from nearby Vancouver,” read the New York Times’ front page, “Prime Minister Bonhomme was forced to unilaterally suspend Canada’s First amendment and invoke the War Measures Act, first used by his father during the War of 1812 when American troops burned down Ottawa’s Parliament.”
The venerable NYT has dedicated several articles over the past week to informing their American readership of the Ottawa trucker protest story brewing in Canada.
“Canada’s northern capital of Ottawa is entirely covered in snow 11 months out of the year, with a brief window in summer for fur traders to portage in and exchange pelts and American whiskey,” wrote the NYT’s Sarah Maslin Nir.
The NYT’s coverage goes on to detail how Canada’s truckers, likely outraged over the rising cost of maple syrup, drove en masse to Ottawa, and forced PM Bonhomme to order his elite Seal Skin Team Six to open fire.
“No one can be sure how many peace-loving protestors were shot, because unfortunately a regional monarchy like Canada cannot sustain a journalist class of its own,” added Maslin Nir. “What we do know is that dozens, if not hundreds of entirely peaceful and reasonable truckers were trampled by horses, all of which are fully-deputized officers of the law in Canada.”
While the New York Times insists their coverage of the massacre in Celine Dion Square is accurate, their coverage has met with some criticism.
“Everyone knows the Times’ biased coverage got Canada’s trucker protests completely wrong,” said Fox News’ Tucker Carlson. “Their Emperor, Pierre Poutine, is demanding COVID lockdowns so he can bring in refugee terrorists to export critical race theory across the border and into American schools. These brave unvaccinated truckers are the last line of defense against a fully global Canadocracy.”
The New York Times plans to continue their coverage of the violence in Ottawa with The Daily’s Michael Barbaro devoting and entire podcast to Canadian Military police’s use of “untraceable ice bullets” against protestors, and the answer to Monday’s Wordle being “ABOOT”.