Single drop of sweat falls down local dad’s face as he tells daycare worker his child doesn’t have runny nose

TORONTO – As local father Jalen Hart told the worker asking COVID checklist questions at the front entrance of the Little Tot’s Playhouse daycare that his child Marcus did not have a …

Canadian mothers reject Omicron variant: “We have perfectly good Delta at home!”

CANADA – Canadian mothers are soundly rejecting the new Omicron variant spreading across the globe on the grounds that we already have more than enough Delta variant at home.  “The man on t…

Humane society seizes Brendan Lemieux for biting

NEW YORK – The Humane Society has seized Los Angeles Kings forward Brendan Lemieux for biting another player last Saturday. The 25-year-old American breed was taken away by dog handlers usi…

Dying uncle confesses the fish he caught wasn’t that big

CALGARY – In an effort to clear his conscience before he expires, terminally ill uncle of four Michael Grosberg has admitted to his family that the monster pike he claims to have caught in …

Man who owns rug sick of friends always asking for help moving bodies

CALGARY – Local accountant David Summerson is tired of his friends continually expecting him to assist them in body disposal ever since he purchased a long, thick rug. “I didn’t realize how…

Study: MPs spend majority of their time fantasizing about beating up Pierre Poilievre

OTTAWA – An independent study tracking how our elected Members of Parliament spend their day has found that, in average work week, the majority of an MPs time is spent sitting at their desk…

Shoppers Drug Mart promises 500 Optimum Points for every case of COVID contracted in-store

TORONTO – With the Ontario Government unveiling a plan to conduct symptomatic COVID-19 tests inside Shoppers Drug Mart stores, the pharmacy giant has announced that every shopper who contra…

Tim Hortons confirms that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine

LEDUC – As part of ongoing pandemic response measures, national coffee chain Tim Hortons has confirmed that employees will not be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine until they’ve ha…

Funeral organist already sweating nervously in anticipation of Sondheim memorial

NEW YORK – Following the death of American musical theater legend Stephen Sondheim at age 91, the organist at the Midtown Synagogue is reportedly “sweating bullets” while attempting to prac…

BREAKING: World Health Organization announces Black Friday deals on new omicron variant

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The World Health Organization has announced a last minute doorcrasher deal on the latest COVID variant, omicron, just in time for Black Friday shopping. “With the Chri…