New Pixar movie details fantastical story of being able to afford living in Toronto

TORONTO – Pixar Studios’ latest animated adventure, Turning Red, details the whimsical and outlandish story of a family who are able to afford a house in the downtown Toronto core. Turning …

“Whoa, it’s the best of times?” says dude about to have his shit rocked by Charles Dickens

CALGARY – Sources at the Central Library have reported that Bryce Spooner, who said “Hell yeah, let the good times roll, baby!” when he began A Tale of Two Cities, is about to get his fucking tee…

Universities promise students can skip final exams if in-person learning causes them to die

NATIONWIDE – With Canadian universities resuming on-site classes after the latest COVID wave, several institutions announced new policies allowing students to miss final exams in the event …

Bar finally set low enough for mediocre man to become hero

TORONTO, ON ― After years of plummeting faith in the male population has set expectations to a new low, local man Todd Ernst’s average existence has now been deemed “heroic” by his local neighbou…

Man clearly wants you to ask about his cape 

WINNIPEG – According to friends and family, Winnipeg resident David Leiter has begun wearing a cape and is obviously hoping that people will ask him why.  “I think Dave might’ve lost his job or h…

Building off COVID strategy, Ontario announces all students got As after they stopped testing

TORONTO – In the wake of the province’s successful ‘if we don’t test for COVID, we won’t have high rates of COVID’ strategy, Education officials have announced…

Apple unveils single-use Macbook with zero ports

CUPERTINO — At today’s much anticipated Apple Event, Tim Cook stunned viewers by introducing their first-ever single-use Macbook, dubbed the Macbook Zero. During his Keynote address, Cook address…

TSN, Sportsnet locked in fierce battle to see who can provide worse streaming service

TORONTO – Long-time competitors TSN and Sportsnet are continuing their years-long battle to see who can provide the lowest quality online streaming option for Canadians still willing to pay…

“It’s just not the same when we can’t terrorize residents,” says Freedom Convoy Protestor on return to Parliament Hill

OTTAWA – As Freedom Convoy protestors returned to Ottawa this weekend without their trucks, BBQs and hot tubs, many expressed their disappointment at having to just do a “regular prot…

New ‘Vancouver’ edition Peloton bike includes daily theft attempt

VANCOUVER – High-end exercise equipment maker Peloton Interactive has debuted a new subscription service for their line of stationary bicycles designed to give riders the full experience of…