OTTAWA – Following a new survey that found that 99.9% of firearms turn out to be important to the plot, the Federal government has issued a nationwide reclassification of all privately owned firearms as Chekhov’s guns.
“Our findings have found that if a gun is in a Canadian home, it is for sure going to go off eventually – likely in a dramatic fashion during the third act climax,” reads a statement from Public Safety Canada. “We feel that this redesignation is needed, especially considering Chekhov had no idea that there would be firearms of the caliber of an A-15 when he wrote The Seagull.”
As with any gun-related law, this new legislation is facing some pushback from activists. “First they want to take our guns away, and now they go and give them to this guy Chekhov? He better not be a communist,” says Skeeter Jensen of Black Diamond, Alberta.
“I’ll be damned if I let the government tell me when my deadly weapon is alluding to a later story development.”
Largely due to the vagueness of Canadian gun laws, most Canadian firearms were previously registered as “Schrödinger’s guns”, where they could be considered as both having been fired and not fired simultaneously.
In an effort to reduce the inevitability of gun-related accidents, Public Safety Canada suggests storing your gun safely, and not hanging it decoratively on the wall where it might become significant during a climactic confrontation where all secrets are finally laid bare.
In related news, Canadian authorities are also considering passing a bill prohibiting the sale of Occam’s razors over 6 inches in length.