Mom calls in excited panic just to say current Jeopardy champion is Canadian
HALIFAX, NS – Earlier this week, Eleanor Weaver, 23, got a panicked call from her mother around 10pm just to say that the current Jeopardy champion, Mattea Roach, is Canadian. “I thought so…
School Board mandates bullies begin performing “Lunch Money Acknowledgements”
WINNIPEG – A Manitoba school board has adopted a policy requiring bullies to acknowledge the previous “stewards and caretakers” of the lunch money they steal from peers before spending it. …
NHL refs congratulate NBA counterpart for screwing over Toronto team “even better than we do”
TORONTO – In the wake of the Toronto Raptors second straight loss to the Philadelphia 76ers the NHL referees association has congratulated NBA officiating for screwing over the Toronto base…
Dad’s phone apparently only has ability to check stock market and send thumbs up emoji
KITCHENER, ON – Laylah Peel, 27, recently realized after a quick text conversation with her father, Arnold Peel, that his company issued Google Pixel must only have the ability to send the …
End of COVID celebrated by blasting immunocompromised people out of circus cannons
TORONTO – Grateful Canadians are gathering each evening to celebrate the conclusion of the deeply unpopular COVID-19 pandemic with the 7:00 pm launch of immunocompromised people from circus…
“Zuckerberg has too much power” says billionaire who vacations in space
VANCOUVER – Noted space vacationer and inventor of the world’s doucheiest car Elon Musk publicly criticized Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for holding too much social and political influe…
Opinion: I’m not opposed to UBI for economic reasons, I’m opposed because I relish in the anguish and suffering of my fellow man
by : Reginald C. Bancroft As the concept of universal basic income (UBI) pushes its way to the forefront of modern politics thanks to pandemic assistance like CERB, I feel I must speak up and cla…
Easter Bunny freezes eggs to focus on career
BERLIN — The disappointment of millions of children worldwide was palpable Sunday morning after the Easter Bunny announced it would be ‘freezing’ its iconic egg hunt for the foreseeable future in…
Furious Liberals deny accusation that they’re trying to protect the environment
OTTAWA – Environment Minister Steven Guilbeault is adamant that the Conservatives are lying about the Liberals imposing a new green tax on pickup trucks and wants to assure the public that …
Long distance friendships reduced to periodic “don’t fuck him” texts
WORLDWIDE: Long distance friendships around the world have been reduced to periodically sending each other “don’t fuck him” and “yeah, also not him” texts. “When I moved to Canada, my best friend…
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