REPORT:  Loneliness epidemic singled out, ostracized by other epidemics - The Beaverton

REPORT:  Loneliness epidemic singled out, ostracized by other epidemics

RICHMOND, BC – As persistent continues to affect the health of billions, it remains unable to gain acceptance and inclusion from its peers.

“I’ve been harming people’s well-being long before came along,” said Loneliness sunken into the confines of a condiment-stained couch. “ Everyone is so afraid of other epidemics like the West Nile, Ebola, and H1N1 but they treat me like I’m invisible. Plus, it doesn’t help that people are always posting their Covid test results on but seldom announce their daily struggle against the deafening silence of solitude.”

Many experts agree the signs of loneliness are rarely obvious. “So what if feelings of isolation, , poor sleep, and memory loss aren’t as ‘flashy’ as diarrhea or hemorrhagic fever,” sneered Loneliness. “At least I can’t be vaccinated against!”

“I’m so tired of being left out,” yawned the suffocating isolation felt by 33% of adults worldwide. “The other day Covid posted a group selfie at a Whitecaps game with Influenza, Cholera, Monkeypox, and Lucas Cavallini, which of course went viral. Monkeypox isn’t even an epidemic yet! No one had even heard of it a month ago and suddenly it’s Mr. Popular.”

“We’ve tried including Loneliness at past events but they always bring down the vibe,” stated Typhoid. “It’s like they don’t know how to ‘read the room,’ but maybe that’s because they are non-communicable?”

“Like during our last Beer League game, we were fighting for the puck, breathing in each other’s faces while they sat by themselves in the penalty box even though they didn’t foul anyone. And then after they got defensive we didn’t include them. What the hell?”

When reached for comment, Loneliness was busy complaining about its social life, pausing only to decline a text invitation to what was meant to be their surprise birthday party.