EDMONTON – Local data analyst Rolly Crowne, who is well known for his exhaustive knowledge about the various age of consent laws in different states, provinces, and countries, recently noted to his co-workers that “Drag Queen story time is basically grooming”.
Crowne, who enthusiastically jumps at the first chance to clarify the difference between pedophiles and ephebophiles, has expressed resistance to the idea of a time where drag queens read to students as part of events that include people from different racial and class backgrounds interacting.
“Yeah I don’t know exactly what it is but I just feel really uncomfortable with these drag queens doing story time, especially with no security at these events to keep the groomers at bay,” explained Crowne, whose encyclopedic knowledge of age of consent laws covers Canada, all 50 US States, and even several former Soviet Republics.
Co-workers of Crowne report that his objections to Drag Queens interacting with children were made completely unprompted. “I was in the break room and mentioned taking my kids to the library for a puppet show,” notes Accounts Manager Lesley Vance. “Then apropos of nothing, Rolly starts talking about how I need to ‘watch out’ for those ‘sickos’. I didn’t even know he was in the room!”
Vance added, “Come to think of it, he did the same thing a few days ago when Dave from HR mentioned the show Yellowstone, and suddenly Rolly was butting into the conversation saying something about Montana’s age of consent being 16. Anyway, I usually eat lunch at my desk now.”
While queer activists note that right wing demonization of LGBTQIA+ individuals is nothing new, Rolly, who does not have any kids of his own though did notoriously set a phone reminder Millie Bobby Brown’s 18th birthday, begs to differ. “I just feel really invested in this issue, and don’t understand why kids need to interact with people from different walks of life,” Crowne explains. “But speaking of different cultures, have I told you about my third business trip to Bangkok…”
At press time Crowne was unavailable for comment as he was busy attempting to “hang out with” the office’s college intern.