RED DEER, AB – Daniella Keller, a 29 year-old librarian, built a gingerbread house over the weekend, prompting many to ask the question: is this woman a witch? “She seemed so normal, why would s...
Donder and Blitzen to put career on hold for mandatory military service
NORTH POLE – Following weeks of speculation, two members of Santa’s prestigious team of reindeer have announced they are planning temporary resignation in order to undertake military servi...
Woman banishes malfunctioning vibrator to Island of Misfit Sex Toys
EDMONTON — Melissa Soares, frustrated with the sub-optimal aspects of her rabbit vibrator, has evicted it from her night-stand, exiling it to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. “The gals on Sex and the C...
Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow
VANCOUVER — In a shocking turn of events, Vancouver city officials have announced the city may soon be making the landmark purchase of a second snowplow. Residents of the usually mild-weathered metro...
Study: Seasonal depression cured by wrapping paper scissor glides
St. Catharines, ON – In a groundbreaking study by Brock University, researchers have identified the long-awaited cure for seasonal depression: the sweet, sweet satisfaction of gliding a sharp pa...
After success of 10 days of Mourning, BBC announces plans for “Dead Queen” Christmas Special
LONDON – Following the success of the national period of mourning for the late Queen Elizabeth II, the BBC has announced plans for a 24-hour “Dead Queen” Christmas Day special. In hopes of recap...
Spence Diamonds guarantees all holiday purchases: “If your wife doesn’t give you a blow job, Spence will!”
VANCOUVER, BC – Spence Diamonds now offers an added incentive to holiday shoppers – a customer satisfaction guarantee that if the giftee does not give head, Spence will be there to offer his. As CEO C...
Divorced Dad advent calendar promises big chocolate every other weekend
VANCOUVER — A new brand of advent calendar made for divorced dads by Divorced Dads features one very large chocolate every other weekend to show your child that you care just as much if not more than ...
How to go through the five stages of grief before meeting up with your friend who didn’t cancel
There is literally nothing better than cancelling plans. Seriously. If you look up the word “orgasm” in the dictionary, it’s just a picture of someone texting, “Sorry, can we reschedule?” Unfortunatel...
Breaking: Some sort of entirely futile climate conference happening again
A LARGE CITY WE DIDN’T BOTHER TO LOOK UP ― World leaders are once again convening to draw up a set of ambitious promises they definitely won’t fulfill, toothless goals which wouldn’t do much anyway, o...
