“We’re all going to get COVID eventually,” says man about to give you HPV

BRIDGEWATER – There’s no point trying to prevent COVID because we’re all just going to get it eventually, says a man who is perhaps only a few hours away from infecting you with human papil…

Hockey Canada sexual assault scandal a real shock to anyone who has never met a junior hockey player

CALGARY – The revelation that Canada’s junior hockey teams may have committed group sexual assaults on two different occasions, one of which Hockey Canada attempted to cover up, has come as…

Climate crisis: Popsicle consumption no longer looks erotic

OTTAWA – As temperatures rise across Canada, reports are rolling in that the searing heat has eliminated the titillation watching someone eat a popsicle used to provide. “My partner used to slowl…

New Texas laws prevent doctors from life-saving surgeries if cancerous tumour is one of those that grows teeth and hair

AUSTIN, TX – Shortly after the Supreme Court voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, Texas’ new laws against abortion have expanded to also include bans on life saving surgeries of cancerous tumours…

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!” says co-worker who is still terrible after they’ve had their coffee

WHITBY, ON – Local office worker Lindy Jensen has reportedly started every morning at her job by telling co-workers not to talk to her until she’s had her coffee, despite the caffeine doing…

Doug Ford grants powers to new Strong Mayors, Fast Mayors, Heat-Vision Mayors

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has emerged from his secret underground laboratory to announce his successful creation of a new breed of mayor with the strength, speed, agility and superhuman…

Journalism students rush to sign up for ‘report whatever cops say as true’ seminar

TORONTO – Students at Toronto Metropolitan University’s journalism program were eager to attend the annual cops always tell the truth seminar. “As journalists we’ve been t…

Local man wishes there was more he could do about Roe v. Wade

WILMINGTON, DELAWARE ― With the ramifications of the reversal of Roe v. Wade beginning to ripple across the country, pro-choice Americans are seeking out ways of helping maintain access to aborti…

Edmonton man furious he actually does know ‘Steve from Toronto’ American acquaintance just asked about

CANCUN – Local man Garth Evers was beside himself to discover he actually does know the ‘Steve from Toronto’ this American he just met on vacation inquired about. “When he…

British Empire begs Sun to set on it

LONDON —  As a record-setting heat wave sets Europe ablaze, the UK has reported its hottest day-time temperature ever recorded, leading many of its inhabitants to cry out at the sky pleading for …