HAMILTON, ON – The secret to being fully present in your miserable existence? Local life coach, June Funda, says it’s all about prioritizing a good night’s sleep.
“It’s hard to focus on how everyone lets me down when I’m groggy,” says Funda, whose fear of rejection prevents her from experiencing any real intimacy. “By making sure I’m clocking a solid sleep every night, I can be present when life hands me lemons, which is a lot. Like, too-many-lemons alert! Anyone order a Great Lake’s worth of lemonade?!”
Funda recommends at least 9 hours of sleep to reap the full benefits of staring at the trauma of your past – and the hopelessness of your future – right in its face.
McMaster University biologist and recent divorcee, Dr. Lonny Wass, agrees with Funda’s approach, but suggests she take it one step further.
“Proper sleep hygiene will undoubtedly improve your body’s ability to perceive your failures, but let’s not forget about staying hydrated,” he says. “Eight cups of water a day won’t bring her back or recover everything that has been taken from you, but it’ll help with physical constipation, so you can focus on your emotional constipation. More water will also help the Zoloft go down.”
In response, Funda says she included hydration as a footnote in her new book, Deep Sleeps for Deep Weeps, which she is not too ashamed to ask our readers to buy.
“For $19, you get a PDF with sleep tips and guided meditations for reflecting on your self-destructive patterns. If you purchase it within the next 5 days, you’ll receive a signed picture of me and some friends I grew apart from. Most importantly, you’ll help me prove to my family that I’m not a joke. Which I’m not, because a lot of the greats self-publish.”
Editor’s Note: June Funda has since received a cease and desist letter for copying, Deep Leaps for Deep Weeps, a book about the importance of regular exercise to stay healthy, so we can live longer in despair.