THE ETHEREAL PLANE – The magical spirits who normally visit rich monsters on Christmas Eve in order to get them to become caring human beings have all resigned from their positions after they were informed that this year they’d have to spend the evening with billionaire Elon Musk.
“I do a great deal of research on the people we visit,” said the Ghost of Christmas Past. “It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moments of childhood where someone becomes so broken they need supernatural intervention to become functional, empathetic members of society again, so I basically have to experience their entire existence from birth. It connects me to them on a level so intimate that sometimes I don’t know where I end and they begin.”
“But there’s no goddamn way I’m delving into the weird apartheid shitshow that is Elon Musk’s past,” the ghost said, shuddering. “Ugh. Becoming the wealthiest man on Earth didn’t help matters, but yeah, he’s always been a gross little narcissist.”
“I’m not getting paid nearly enough to go through all that for this creepy anti-labour plutocrat.”
Known in their current incarnation as Christmas Ghosts, these spectral counselors have been trying to unearth the better natures of the prosperous and cruel since the concept of wealth was created when humans invented agriculture 12,000 years ago. They have never turned down an assignment until this year.
While it’s common knowledge that no normal human wants to spend any amount of time with Elon Musk, The Ghost of Christmas Present was particularly unhappy at the prospect of having to meet with the billionaire.
“His past is bad, but his present is so much worse because he’s in a hell of his own making. Did you know sometimes he sleeps at Twitter? He has the money and power to do literally anything in the world and he’s choosing to spend his life unhappily tanking a social media platform. His existence is so needlessly unpleasant, the idea of engaging with him personally makes me wanna hurl my ectoplasm,” said the ghost.
“In fairness, it might be kinda funny to watch his face as he listens to all his freaky sycophantic yes-men talk shit about him behind his back, but I doubt it’d be worth it overall. And I’m positive that the only result of me showing him all the people he’s hurt with his conspiracy theories and transphobia and horrible working conditions will be him making some really pathetic jokes, most of them stolen.”
“He’s just the fucking worst,” said the normally silent Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
Now that they’re no longer trying to force a tiny bit of compassion into the wealth-addled brains of the powerful, the Ghosts are planning to spend their retirements on less difficult and unpleasant endeavors like teaching dung beetles to solve quadratic equations.