Nation’s dads announce plan to see you next year
OTTAWA — Pausing briefly during the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, Canada’s dads reaffirmed their commitment to see the various people in their lives next year while loudly snickering to themselves. D…
Labour shortage leads to downsizing at maternity ward
VANCOUVER – In an alarming turn of events, the maternity ward at St. Paul’s hospital has announced that it will likely be downsizing, apparently due to a severe labour shortage. However, th…
House guest surprised to discover it’s suddenly a faux-pas to fuck the family whale
YORKTON, SK — Jordan Russell was surprised, upon visiting his girlfriend Sara Geisbrecht’s family over the holidays, to discover that they consider it extremely gauche to fuck the family whale. …
Small-dicked man still manages to fuck himself
ROMANIA — Former kickboxer and famously small-penised man, Andrew Tate, somehow managed to take the time out of his busy schedule of trolling teenage girls on the internet to fuck himself, …
Ten best “Best of” lists: Our list
With the abundance of Best Of Year lists clogging up the internet every December, it’s hard to know which ones are worth your time. Luckily for you, the tireless team at The Beaverton has read al…
Hamburglar’s crime spree escalates to vehicular hamslaughter
MCDONALDLAND – A citywide manhunt has begun for the Hamburglar after his petty criminal streak escalated to include several counts of vehicular hamslaughter. “We do what we can to fight rec…
Decline in purity culture leads to shortage of extra-virgin olive oil
PUGLIA, ITALY ― Olive oil is a household staple, with extra-virgin varieties particularly prized for their minimal processing. But with fewer and fewer people saving themselves for marriage, one …
Baby smells weird again
CALGARY — According to local sources, the Weaver family baby is smelling suspicious again after a brief period of olfactory normality. “Well, it’s not the diaper,” said Michael Weaver, after tak…
Basketball Insider: Get me out, I’m stuck inside a basketball!
Scotiabank Arena, Toronto – It’s that exciting time of year when the NBA season really starts to heat up, but personally, I wish it wouldn’t, because I’m stuck inside one of the basketballs. Help…
Netflix prepares to release prisoners taken during the streaming wars
LOS GATOS, CA – Last week, Netflix posted on their website the release dates of all the prisoners of war they’ve taken throughout the multi-year conflict known as the streaming wars. “With …
