QUEEN’S PARK – Following the minimal fallout of the recent Greenbelt scandal, where Ontario’s Conservative Government took orders from connected property developers to allow development on newly purchased, Premier Ford has officially allowed his donors to purchase the city of Brampton at a heavily discounted price.
“The people of Ontario who voted for me have a sent a message loud and clear – ‘we are pretty cool with open corruption’,” proclaimed Premier Doug Ford, as he signed the bill of sale for the entire municipality of Brampton.
Ford staffers noted the lack of public or opposition outcry to the sale of Ontario Place to spa developers, or of the Ontario Science Centre to condo developers. “Hell, they hardly even batted an eye at the Auditor General’s report which pretty clearly laid out how I manipulated government agencies to make my political backers impossibly wealthy,” Ford noted. “So now subtlety is out the window.”
Ford continued, “Ontario is open for business, and by that I mean its a fire sale and my Cayman Islands bank account is looking to be filled.”
The premier then assured worried onlookers that he is not solely looking to accept cash in exchange for his government’s cronyism, and will accept the more traditional chair positions on corporate boards that will pay lucrative dividends for decades to come.
The city of Brampton, once known as the ‘Flower Town of Canada’, was reportedly purchased by a conglomerate owned by the De Gasperis and Cortellucci families, though a freedom of information request about the sale simply returned a single email reading “mind your own fucking business, nerd”. Still, Brampton is officially under new ownership as of this week, and the entire city will allegedly be used to store high end sports cars belonging to the construction magnates’ various unemployable nephews.
The city formerly known as Brampton, now known only only as “A Division of Ontario Ltd 005670273”, will see its current citizens forced to vacate within the week. All dwellings and goods left within the city at that time will be forfeit, and become the rightful property of whoever Doug Ford sold the city to.
Still, Ford insists that he is not abandoning the now-homeless former Bramptonites.
“Folks, you may have read last week that plenty of shiny new McMansions are about to be built on what was formerly useless Greenbelt land,” noted Premier Ford. “So just wait 25 years or so for the infrastructure to be installed by the local cash-strapped municipalities and the construction to be completed, and then you can purchase one of those $2 million dollar starter homes.”
Ford added, “Provided you don’t get outbid by a property management corporation, REIT, or foreign money launderer. Good luck!”
Now that the the sale of their home city has been officially announced, reaction from Brampton residents has been mixed.
Audrey Jacobs, 45, noted, “I don’t like Ford’s open corruption, but I also saw an Ontario Proud facebook meme about how Kathleen Wynne groomed children by making a new sex ed program while also being a lesbian, so my hands are clearly tied.”
“Haha, take that downtown elites!” noted Mark Simmonds, 36, as he made his way to an overcrowded and underfunded Toronto homeless shelter.
At press time, Ford is reportedly fielding bids to turn the city of Ottawa into either a casino, a paintball arena, or a giant 24/7 mobster speakeasy.
