WINDSOR – The scientific community is reeling after a Kleenex has allegedly emerged from a heavy-duty wash cycle soft, usable, and not in a gross little clump.
According to local resident Michelle Drew, who made the discovery, “I was just doing a load late one Sunday evening. And there it was – smooth and pressed, as if it hadn’t almost been broken to pieces in there.”
“I had a performance review on Monday and was amazed at the Kleenex not being shredded all over my black work pants,” rejoiced Drew. “I used to be a non-believer, but that Kleenex has opened my eyes to wonders I couldn’t imagine before. I even bought a lottery ticket. Put it right in that miraculous pocket.”
After Drew alerted the authorities, scientists from McGill’s Faculty of Toilet and Facial Tissue Studies as well as a team from McMaster’s School of Laundry and Upholstery were dispatched to the scene overnight. Armed with mass spectrometers, Bunsen burners, and several boxes of 3-ply ultrasoft tissues, the engineers tried to replicate the event.
As senior absorbency engineer Peter Oswald explained, “This could be the most significant discovery since Wagner proved that socks don’t disappear in the dryer but are teleported to a small post office in Winnipeg.”
The engineers spent a full week with the washing machine attempting to comprehend and reproduce what happened that fateful night. Oswald noted, “We’ve yet to replicate The Event with facial tissue, toilet paper or a napkin. But we have put in several origami cranes that came out as smooth paper, so we’re on the right track. If we can just get the soap to fabric softener ratio right…”
At press time, the study of washing machine dynamics was set back decades when one of the scientists thoughtlessly used the anomalous tissue to blow their nose.