TORONTO – With the start of community softball, trendy drunks are once again rejoicing at being able to get hammered in public with total immunity. “I bought new cleats and a flat of Red Stripe b…
Sports
Blue Jays players warned to not risk injury by trying any more ‘baseball stuff’
TORONTO – Team Physician Dr. Jason Smith has warned the remaining healthy players on the Toronto Blue Jays not to try any more ‘baseball stuff’, as the risk of injury is too great. “There h…
We look back at the non-call that Leafs fans can’t forget
The Beaverton Remembers: Gretzky’s high stick on Gilmour.…
Pillar suspended for two games for Presidential language
TORONTO – Toronto Blue Jays centre-fielder Kevin Pillar has received a two game suspension for using the repugnant type of language the current President of the United States might use. Pil…
Sens shipping in fans from other teams to fill vacant seats
OTTAWA – After the team’s poorly attended playoffs series against the New York Rangers, the GM of the Ottawa Senators will be bussing in fans of other teams to fill seats in the Canadian T…
Meet the car that won this year’s Kentucky Derby
Three year old “Mini Cooper S” narrowly winning this year’s Kentucky Derby. Organizers let the automobile in after they were baffled to find out there was no rule that said the …
Burned out, abandoned Blue Jays bandwagon found on side of 401
COBOURG, ON – Northumberland Ontario Provincial Police are looking for leads after a charred 2015 Ford Bandwagon full of Blue Jays paraphernalia was found outside of Cobourg near the 401. &…
Leafs playoff berth gives hope to man who has also sucked for decades
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs rise to young playoff team has encouraged Henry Fawcett, a 57-year-old who has been finishing out of the playoffs of life for many years now. “I mean, if t…
Rogers Centre unveils new Ted Rogers statue in right field
TORONTO – Ahead of the Blue Jays Home opener, team owner Rogers Inc. unveiled a new statue of Ted Rogers in the right field of the Rogers Centre. “Finally the people will have an in-game op…
Sidney Crosby now training for luge
NEW YORK – After Monday’s announcement that the NHL would not be sending players to Pyeongchang for the next Olympic games, Sidney Crosby immediately began training for Canada’s national lu…
