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Upcoming UFC card features grumpiest fighters yet

– The event in will feature a title bout between the sport’s two grumpiest fighters: Stu Caufield and Frank Leroux, neither of whom has smiled since Mambo No.5 was at the top of the charts.

“In a combat setting, people always want to punch the smiley-est guy,” said Leroux. “A crabby expression is almost like a sign on your face that says, ‘Hey, I’m already having a bad day. Maybe don’t punch this.’”

“We have a saying in : ‘Don’t look grumpy? Face gets lumpy.’ Another one is ‘cheery bloke gets the rear naked choke’” added Leroux.

Analysts expected that Leroux’s general demeanour would give him the edge in the fight, until they heard that Caulfield had stepped on one of his kid’s Legos and been stuck in traffic all morning, giving him an almost off the charts reserve of crankiness.

“Then I read that they’re thinking of making another movie where the robots fight ghost-robots. They’re looking at casting Katherine Heigl in it, so all in all, it was pretty easy to keep looking like a gross bug just flew into my mouth,” said Caulfield.

UFC president is confident the Pay-Per-View numbers will be strong for UFC 215, and will help further sponsorships from curmudgeonly organizations like Buckley’s Cough Syrup and the Subway Booth Attendants Union.

Veteran commentator says that in all his years, he’s never witnessed a crankier matchup. “Both Leroux and Caufield are tremendous louts. They’re both the kinds of guys who cut their fingernails extra short on purpose so that it hurts when they touch sour stuff.”

The event is expected to draw thousands in attendance, all of whom will be competing to see who can be the drunkest audience member.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book