VICTORIA – An exhausted Dr. Bonnie Henry has reminded 5 million residents of British Columbia that this is why they can’t have nice things. “I’d expect this kind of behaviour from Alberta o…
Cocksure pigeon really struttin’ about town
TORONTO – Sources on the ground are reporting that one surprisingly cocksure pigeon was struttin’ down Bloor Street this past Monday as though he owned the whole town. “Usually I don’t even…
Parents relieved to send kids back to school for 3 weeks before they shut down again
TORONTO – Parents across most of the country were glad to get a small vacation from their school-aged children before they’re sent back due to more COVID-19 outbreaks. “I love my kids, but …
UN charity asks world to donate cell phone data to needy Canadians
NEW YORK – The UN General Assembly has approved a new development fund, which is calling upon countries to donate their cell phone data to a needy Canadian. “The United Nations Data Relief …
Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it
VANCOUVER – Early reports indicate a Vancouver Canucks fan doesn’t want to talk about it. Thomas Sinclair of Port Moody has not made a single comment to his friends or family about his team…
Canada’s top BDSM doctor says wear a mask, leash, tight leather to prevent spread of COVID-19
OTTAWA – Canada’s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks, leashes, tight leather, and other items to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone sh…
Billion-dollar public transit infrastructure ready now that everyone works from home
OTTAWA – After years of waiting and billions of dollars spent, ambitious public transit projects are finally ready now that everyone is working remotely. Trains, buses, and subways across m…
Restaurants require female servers to wear skimpier face masks
TORONTO – Restaurants across the GTA are enforcing a new dress code on its female servers obliging them to wear face masks that are tighter and reveal more skin. The new “face thongs” revea…
Liberals commit $100 million to resupply toner for redacted documents
OTTAWA – Pledging to restart the office appliance economy, the federal government is investing in over $100 million in toner cartridges for its many redacted information requests. The gover…
