Oakville, ON — While she’s sure you’d be in touch if anything was wrong, your mum just called to check you don’t have coronavirus. “I’ve heard it’s been going around and I wanted to be sure,” she…
Climate change speeding up just to get this over with
GENEVA – An alarming report released by the World Meteorological Organization has revealed that climate change is speeding up to just get this all over with. “Human activity got the ball ro…
3rd grader informs classmates he can kill a man with any object
EDMONTON — CSIS recruiters likely have an eye on Northwood Elementary 3rd grader Dustin Fuller after he bragged to classmates that he can kill a man with any object. “If I had to fight someone li…
50s style cannabis diner promises not to be nostalgic about the systemic racism stuff
TORONTO — Owners of the new Bud’s Cannabis Diner opening in Rosedale have promised that despite painstakingly emulating a 50s aesthetic, they have no intention of getting nostalgic about the bumm…
Nuclear technician wishes that alarm in the background would cut it out
LOCATION CLASSIFIED — 14 hours into an 18 hour shift at a nuclear missile silo, technician Jordan Summers has expressed a wish that that “dang alarm would cut it out already.” “I’m still ki…
“The trick is confidence” says man who has never contributed anything useful to society
OTTAWA — Despite failing to contribute anything useful to society, Tom Phillips, 32, has said to anyone listening, that the secret to all success in life is merely “confidence”. “You gotta walk i…
Boyfriend not sure about this “top sheet” thing
SACKVILLE, NS – Local boyfriend Robert Bell is voicing concerns about the top-sheet that was recently installed on his double twin bed by girlfriend Nila Joshi. “I already have a sheet!” Be…
7 movies to watch before you die tomorrow at dawn
2001: A Space Odyssey. North by Northwest. 400 Blows. Cinema is filled with classics, but these days there’s too much to watch in one lifetime. Especially when the beasts want you dead! Here’s se…
“I’ll remember where this receipt is” lies man
EDMONTON — “I’ll remember where I put this receipt in case I need to use the warranty on my new phone,” lied local man Aaron Hayes to himself this morning. “This was an expensive purchase, so I w…
Dumbest man you know doing pretty well these days
OTTAWA — College friend Brandon Ward, a man you know to be dumb as bricks, is reportedly doing pretty well these days. According to sources which include Facebook, the Facebook app, and your frie…