EDMONTON — CSIS recruiters likely have an eye on Northwood Elementary 3rd grader Dustin Fuller after he bragged to classmates that he can kill a man with any object.
“If I had to fight someone like in James Bond, it wouldn’t matter where I was, I could just pick something up and use it,” explained Fuller to awed bystanders during indoor recess, “A pencil, an eraser, my agenda, you name it”.
Fuller’s best friend Adam Berg confirms it’s definitely possible if you’re creative and take your enemies by surprise: “We talk about it all the time. Like if we were at my place, I said I’d push bad guys down the stairs, but he said he’d roll up a magazine and hit them in the throat really hard so they couldn’t breath, and then break a window and use a shard of glass. He’s like, Special Ops good”.
However, some classmates are skeptical. Sophia Huang has raised concerns that while it may be possible to give someone a paper cut with a sticky note, it just wouldn’t get infected quickly enough to work as self defence. “And then Brian M asked him how he’d kill someone with a piece of dust, and he said he’d get it in their eye so they couldn’t see and then they’d trip and break their neck. But you’d definitely need more dust for that!”
There has also been debate over how many enemies Fuller could take at a time, with Ann DeFries questioning if he could defeat ten people with lightsabers. While Fuller wants his classmates to stick to the real world, he has been unable to refute DeFries’ claim that “toy companies have made real lightsabers, they’re just not allowed to sell them because they’re too dangerous”.
Fuller declined to demonstrate his abilities, as he didn’t want detention again.
Despite his critics, Fuller finds time to unwind by playing Fortnite. “I like to rest my mind and take people out with a minigun or rocket launcher. Making a candy cane really pointy to use as a stabbing weapon is fun, but sometimes the old ways are best.”
Fuller may be deadly for a nine year old, but he has competition: 4th grader Mitchell Olthof, who says he can kill a man without any weapons at all because “if you hit someone’s nose in the right way, a bit of skull pierces their brain”.