NATIONWIDE – As COVID restrictions tighten and the uncertainty of family gatherings looms, uncles across Canada are scrambling to pre-record their racist rants for extended families to enjo…
Straight man brags about being only straight man in theatre school
MISSISSAUGA – Local straight man and recent theatre school graduate Michael Gibson has bragged about being the only straight man in his year. “There were about 50 people in my class and of …
Parent sends child to private school so that they can end up at the same universities as everyone else
TORONTO, ONT – Local parents Jillian and Frank Moore have sent their child to private school with the hope that they end up at the same Canadian universities as everyone else. “Education is…
Baby’s first word is “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume…”
MONCTON – Local baby, Margaret O’Connor-Williams, has reportedly uttered “CRA is experiencing longer than normal call volume” as her first word due to her parents having been on hold with t…
Representation win! This Hallmark movie will feature the whitest, straightest-looking gay couple
Hamilton, ON – In a landmark move towards representation and inclusion, the network behind beloved holiday movies that traditionally centre around heterosexual romances, will now feature th…
Facebook adds new relationship option: “We’re fucking because they’re in my bubble”
Surrey, BC – Facebook has released a new relationship option for users who are fucking because they’re in each other’s bubbles. “It’s great,” said Mark Sanchez, who’s been sleeping with his…
Woman reports home yoga not the same when person’s butt not in face
NEW BRUNSWICK – Local woman, and self-identified yogi, Marsha Fellows, has reported that home yoga is just not the same when there isn’t a fellow patron’s butt in her face. “It just feels d…
Trump tax return reveals he’s on CERB
WASHINGTON DC – After a New York Times article revealed President Trump has lied on his federal income tax return in the last fifteen years, a further investigation revealed that Trump has …
“I bike everywhere!” brags cyclist who can afford living downtown
TORONTO – Brian McFarlen, a local cyclist who can afford to live less than five minutes from the heart of downtown, has bragged about biking everywhere. “It’s a great way to get around whil…
Ally hospitalized for fatigue
VANCOUVER – Local ally Maggie Jenkins has been rushed to area hospital after suffering from a chronic case of allyship fatigue. “I don’t know what happened,” said Jenkins from her hospital …