WINNIPEG – An official report from the Government of Canada states the best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while simultaneously asking “is the dishwasher on?” “The r…
Local gay bar installs plexiglass to protect against influx of straight women
TORONTO – As part of the province’s stage three reopening protocol, a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women. “Safety is our top priority,” …
Gay Man hospitalized for Drag Race Exhaustion
VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “a severe case of DRE: Drag Race Exhaustion”. Paramedics were reportedly called in after…
Trump introduces “choose your own adventure” pandemic protocol
Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States, Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “choose your own adventure” protocol to tackling th…
Airline will no longer refund ticket holders whose lovers run to the airport last minute, with a change of heart, asking them not to get on flight
PEARSON AIRPORT – Air Canada has announced they will no longer honour refunds from ticket holders whose lovers propose to them at the airport last minute and then plead for them to not get on the…
Study: You’re not a Slytherin, you’re an asshole
Cambridge, MA – A recent study by the Harvard school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has revealed that being a Slytherin does not pardon you from being an asshole. “The purpose of the study was …
Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex
TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney, Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex. “I lov…
Woman who sold pussy hats in Etsy shop couldn’t make BLM protest
JOSHUA TREE, CA – Brielle Waters, a self-proclaimed feminist who sold pussy hats in her Etsy shop, has reportedly been absent from the Black Lives Matters protests. “Listen, I wanted to be …
Ancient Canadian curse requires that there must be an Anne of Green Gables remake every five years or else
AVONLEA – An ancient Canadian curse has been discovered on the original manuscript of Anne of Green Gables, demanding the book be adapted every five years, or else. The curse was first disc…
Man secretly happy co-worker who scored Hamilton tickets can’t use them
TORONTO – As theatres across Ontario remain closed, local man, Julian Yoon, is secretly ecstatic his co-worker is unable to use his Hamilton tickets. “I remember the day, he (smugly) posted…