OTTAWA – The Liberal Party have announced their intent to ban foreign home-ownership for two years, ensuring that Canada’s housing stock will be reserved for everyday Canadians with seven f…
Canada changes national anthem to “O Fuck, Y’All, Here Comes Canada”
TOKYO – The Olympics’ closing ceremonies were interrupted by Canada’s confident new anthem, which announced itself with sirens and airhorns. After a hype man shouted “O fuck, y’all, here comes Ca…
Olympic dressage horses sent home in disgrace for ignoring sex ban
TOKYO – Scandal has rocked the Olympics as dressage horses Bella Rose and Dream Boy were caught violating the ban on sex between athletes. “COVID forced us to re-evaluate our normally permissive …
Real-life Garfield? This cat ate a lasagna and died
REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved t…
CBC forced to exclusively cover Cameroon’s Olympians after selecting wrong country in licensing menu
TOKYO – CBC reporters are rushing to familiarise themselves with the Cameroonian Olympic team after the broadcaster accidentally acquired the country’s rights. “And there’s Hortence Atangana, the…
Alberta punishes frontline workers with free Stampede tickets
CALGARY – Alberta’s doctors, restaurant employees, and other frontline workers will receive free Stampede tickets this year, punishing them for their crucial role in combating COVID. “First the g…
“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse…
Experts advise house hunting millennials to stop buying lattes and start forming exploitative development groups
TORONTO – After Core Development Group announced plans to buy a billion dollars worth of Canadian homes and convert them into rental units, financial advisers are telling millennials in the housi…
