WASHINGTON D.C. — In the wake of several deadly mass shootings, including one in Sutherland Springs, Texas, GOP lawmakers introduced a substantial tax break on the ‘thoughts and prayers’ th…
Settlers of Catalan declare independence, free ore and sheep for all
CATALONIA — Citizens of the Catalan region have voted to declare independence from Spain, while also promising free resource cards for all settlers. Thousands of settlers took to the street…
Friend with slow cooker suggests you get a slow cooker
MONCTON – Sources indicate that your friend, local data processor Jason Murray, has once again urged you to follow his lead and buy a slow cooker – the third such incident in the past…
Edmonton Catholic schools demand own shame-based Sex Ed curriculum
EDMONTON – In an effort to avoid Sex Ed curriculum they deem “problematic,” Alberta Catholic school superintendents have asked to develop their own sex education curriculum focused on shame…
James Corden apologizes for Weinstein jokes by pointing out he is just bad at comedy
LOS ANGELES — After telling several controversial jokes about Harvey Weinstein’s alleged sexual assaults, late night host James Corden apologized by reminding viewers “I have absolutely zer…
Sears closure leaves nation’s mothers unsure where to buy you ill-fitting pants
WINNIPEG – Sears Canada has announced plans to close down all operations, leaving the nation’s mothers at a loss for a place to purchase you irregularly sized sweaters, marked-down belts, a…
Masked crimefighter honestly not sure why he thought child sidekick would help
METRO CITY – Costumed adventurer the Crimson Revenger is at a loss to explain why he thought a masked child would be any help in fighting the city’s violent criminal underbelly. The child s…
Longtime Stephen King fans criticize new IT adaptation for not being bad
BANGOR, ME — Following the recent big screen success of Stephen King’s IT, hardcore fans of the horror author’s previous adaptations demand to know why the new remake is not also completely…
Millennials are killing the Millennial-Killing industry
CALGARY – In addition to the cereal, newspaper, and homeownership industries, reports show millennials are now destroying the once-popular pastime of legal for-profit millennial homicide. W…
Doug Ford announces plans to make 2018 fucking unbearable
TORONTO — In the lead-up to his annual Ford Fest rally, Doug Ford is already announcing plans to make 2018 “absolutely frigging brutal” by once again running for mayor. “Doug’s back, losers…
