PHILADELPHIA — Following a Pennsylvania grand jury report which detailed decades of sexual abuses by priests and cover-ups by bishops, the world’s Catholic priests are expressing relief that God, and therefore eternal judgement and damnation, are entirely fictional.
The report, which detailed more than “300 predator priests” abusing well over 1000 children in just six Catholic dioceses alone, has sent shockwaves through the church.
“This is terrible, and would be so much worse if the Lord Almighty were actually real,” explained Cardinal Donald Wuerl, who served as the bishop of Pittsburgh from 1988 to 2006. “Even for the priests who didn’t personally violate any children, the rest of us still actively worked to shield them from being exposed. If that vengeful, bearded man in the sky we keep talking about actually existed, surely I’d be facing an eternity of well-earned torment and hellfire.”
“Thank heaven, which also is made up, that I don’t have to worry about that.”
Several other Catholic clergy members also pointed to a lack of God actually existing as a justification for their reprehensible actions. “How could I possibly have kept quiet about these abuses if I actually believed in a mystical and all-seeing arbiter of justice who would render judgment on my sins,” explained Father Matthew Jacobs, of Pittsburgh. “It just makes no sense.”
Clergy members also pointed to the existence of whole departments within the Catholic Church, expressly built for shuttling molesting priests from parish to parish, as being incompatible with any actual belief in God. “I actually caught myself thinking, ‘Oh, God’s gonna be so mad at me,” said Father William McInnis, of Allentown. “Then I remembered that we made him up so people would give us power and money, and a wave of relief washed over me.”
“Working through that crisis of faith gave me the strength to sign the paperwork for Father Dunleavy’s third transfer.”
In Rome, the Pope has released a comment on the Church’s failure to act on decades of sexual abuse against minors. “We have failed the little ones, and now more than ever, we must be there to council them on keeping their faith on God strong. So please, try to make up something good, and if you can, stop touching any of them.”
The Pope then closed his statement by adding, “Also, nobody talk to the cops.”