TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is facing blame for the recent rise in COVID-19 case numbers, despite his valiant effort telling the new cases to “tone it down a bit, if you don’t mind.…
Ontario minimum wage workers excited to live off 8 more dime candies a day
TORONTO – In the month since Ontario’s minimum wage went from $14.25 up to $14.35, the province’s workers are celebrating their earnings by adding an additional eight dime candies to …
Zodiac Killer identified as some fuckin’ guy
SAN FRANCISCO – After decades of unresolved police investigations, the notorious Zodiac Killer, who terrorized Northern California in the late 1960s, has been identified as some friggin’ du…
Elon Musk splits from Grimes, claims he “needs more Space”
AUSTIN, TX – Sources close to Elon Musk and Grimes have confirmed that the two are separating after Musk confessed that he “needs more time and space – specifically, outer space.” “I …
Federal party leaders target millennial voters by also not living up to their potential
OTTAWA – With only days left until the federal election, political analysts say party leaders are focused on relating to millennial voters by generally performing a bit worse than everyone …
Biden just going to let Covid have Florida
JACKSONVILLE, FL – After months of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s ineffective pandemic response, President Biden today announced he is removing his hat in sorrow as he allows Covid-19 to h…
5 events that are finally back post-pandemic and never mind they’re already cancelled
We’ve been at this pandemic thing for over a year and wow, has a lot of stuff been cancelled! But now you’re fully vaccinated (or not!), your mask game is next level (or it isn’t!), and case numb…
Hot! This newspaper found the handsomest photo of a sex criminal to use in every article about him
OTTAWA – A national Canadian newspaper came under fire for several articles about an ongoing sex abuse case, after every article featured an extremely attractive photo of the accused sex cr…
Local man gets sexy little tingle from pointing out shots that were in trailer but not movie
VAUGHAN, ON – Local accountant Shawn Kronbach recently revealed that he feels a sexy spine tingle every time he tells someone about shots that were in the film trailer but not in the film i…
REPORT: Summer nights getting hotter in least horny way possible
WORLDWIDE – A recent report from Global Change Biology has confirmed that night-times are getting hotter on a global scale, but unfortunately not in a fun, sexy way. “We cannot stress enoug…