VAUGHAN, ON – Local accountant Shawn Kronbach recently revealed that he feels a sexy spine tingle every time he tells someone about shots that were in the film trailer but not in the film itself.
“When I meet a person who doesn’t realize how many shots were in the Rogue One trailer only, well… I can live off that high for months,” said Mr. Kronbach with an excited shiver.
“And don’t get me started on movies including dream sequences just so they have trippy shots to include in the trailer,” he added, licking his lips and then immediately getting started on that exact topic.
Mr. Kronbach credits his knowledge of trailers to his years of watching them repeatedly on YouTube and then correcting women in the comments section. “So when I puzzle out a film’s whole storyline based on a trailer shot, and that shot isn’t even in the movie? I start to feel misled by Daddy – I mean, the studio.”
Mr. Kronbach then spoke at length, while visibly aroused, about how the Hulk was in the Avengers: Infinity War trailer but in the movie Bruce Banner was just wearing the Hulkbuster suit. “It’s important to know when the marketing is manipulating us,” said the amateur YouTuber, whose channel released hours of free advertising for Season 2 of The Witcher after its 30-second teaser came out.
While trailer dissection is his “raison d’être,” Mr. Kronbach also gets all riled up by knowing which scenes were re-shoots, important plot points that were only revealed in deleted scenes, and telling his friends which characters died in the book but not on the show.
“It’s not enough for me to know these things; I must share my gift with others,” said Mr. Kronbach, who’s also been known to orgasm whenever he notices an American city on-screen is actually Toronto.
At a bar last week, Mr. Kronbach allegedly encountered a woman who “liked” Justice League but didn’t know about the Snyder Cut. Fortunately, Mr. Kronbach was available to spend the evening educating her.
“The feeling of helping that woman was even sexier than the sex I had been hoping to have one day,” he concluded.