SKYPE – In a heartwarming story of determination, the local comedy community has rallied together to create an online show that people will also not watch. “I just started thinking of all t…
Pet cats wondering when the fuck you’re going back to work
OTTAWA, ON – Pet cats across the country are reporting curiosity as to when the shit you are going back to your job every day. “I’ve been more than accommodating,” said Tigger, an asian sem…
Man on week-long social media break wonders why no one is at this awesome buffet
NEWMARKET, ON – Jeremy Philips, a health and wellness expert in Toronto, has celebrated a week-long social media break by visiting Ralph’s All-You-Can-Plate only to find it empty. “I can’t …
“Blockades will accomplish nothing,” says man who accomplishes nothing
TORONTO – After an exhausting 2 minutes of researching on Twitter, local space occupier Kyle Turner has claimed that the Wet’suwet’en solidarity blockades will accomplish nothing. “I don’t …
Nation’s serial killers offended by how sexualized they are in film and television
LONDON, ON – Recently, several of the nation’s most prolific serial killers have come forward to protest the way they are over-sexualized in the media. “It seems people would rather d…
Pornhub leak reveals most of their actors are not actually step-siblings
MONTREAL – Porn enthusiasts are reeling after an information leak at Pornhub has revealed that most of the actors on the site who claim to be step-siblings are not related at all. “I just f…
Uncle launches full-scale investigation into where vegan nephew gets their protein
Peterborough, ON – Local uncle Jim Layton has begun a wide-ranging investigation after his nephew, Skylar Layton, has revealed he has been a vegan for two years yet is still able to live. “…
Local stepdad doesn’t want to come down on you but
OTTAWA – Local stepfather Greg McKay, 45, doesn’t want to harsh your buzz, but has a few things he’d like to rap with you about, sources claim. “Got a minute, champ?” said Greg in an attempt to s…
