FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “We’re mine now!”, and their friends are completely flabbergasted.
“I am almost certain they are engaged,” said friend of the couple Ted Moses. “But there is no ring, no wording that makes it sound like a good thing has happened, and most importantly, no talk of an engagement. I’ve seen lots of posts like these but this one really leaves us in the dark. I don’t see how they can be so vague AND basic at the same time.”
After the couple continued to receive comments on the post such as “Hooray?” and “Are you two engaged, please just say you are now engaged”, the couple has followed up with a photo of an open door with the caption, “It all happened here.”
“WHAT happened there?” asked Daniel’s mother. “I thought they were getting engaged, now I am worried something terrible has happened. If they were announcing the engagement it would say so, but all this vaguebooking likely means that something awful has happened instead. I’ve called the police and hopefully we get to the bottom of it soon.”
After Daniel tried calling her son, she received a text from her son’s number saying “Looks like two hands are going to be wrapped around each other for a long time.” The police are moving forward with the assumption that this means the couple has been kidnapped and are currently being bound by their hands around some pole.
“I mean, that’s the best case scenario,” explained detective Blane Patterson. “I am trying to be brave, but between the two of us, it could also mean the couple have had their hands cut off, and the kidnapper has sewn them together to fashion some kind of strange idol for ritualistic purposes.”
Friends of Daniel and Melanie have composed a corkboard with photos and string attempting to solve the mystery of their Facebook post. Several true crime podcasts have also been launched detailing the case – most notably, Serial will be using the story for their upcoming fourth season.
During press time, the couple has reportedly planned a pregnancy announcement with a video starring members of Cirque du Soleil lighting a ball of yarn on fire and eating it like spaghetti.