An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. April 9, 1917 VIMY, FRANCE – Following more than a century of strugg…
PCs hire man with air horn to censor Doug Ford every time he goes off script
BELLEVILLE, ON – The Ontario Progressive Conservative Party has put in place another measure to ensure Doug Ford stays on message by censoring anything off-script with an air horn. “Ontaria…
Manitoba capital relocated to Premier’s Costa Rica home for convenience’s sake
NEW WINNIPEG – Manitoba’s Premier Brian Pallister has announced he has relocated the provincial capital, Winnipeg, to his luxury home in Costa Rica making the Premier far more accessible fo…
Canucks fans bid goodbye to Sedin twins with farewell riot
VANCOUVER – Paying tribute to forwards Henrik and Daniel Sedin on their final NHL season, Vancouver Canucks fans have destroyed a small part of the downtown area. Tributes to the legendary …
Controversial uncle speaks at Easter dinner
TORONTO – Reports indicate that Uncle Jordan is in the middle of a three hour lecture to the family about his views on political correctness, the rise of the radical left, and dichotomizing…
Man stays up all night trying to decide on which ringtone to wake up to
KINDERSLEY, SK – Reports indicate that local man Marty Hahn spent the entire previous evening attempting to determine which chime or ringtone will wake him up in the morning. “The ‘Day by D…
Doug Ford commits to reducing UN spending, upholding Second Amendment, and granting independence to Catalonia
TORONTO – After suggesting that he would cut the federally funded CBC, Ontario PC Leader Doug Ford has also made some bold pledges including a reduction in UN spending, granting independenc…
National Pride: Tim Hortons cup represents Canada in Great Pacific garbage patch
PACIFIC OCEAN – A Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win Tim Hortons cup has been discovered in the Pacific Ocean’s giant garbage vortex, indicating that Canada is adequately represented among polluting na…
Report: Smug hotshot too good to climb stairs one step at a time
WINDSOR, ON – Early reports indicate that some pompous prick is far too good to walk up a set of stairs one step at a time like the rest of us. Nathaniel Smeeton, a conceited university stu…
Jagmeet Singh attends Quebec sovereignty rally for “human rights”
LONGUEUIL, QC – NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh has attended a rally for Quebec sovereignty stating that he only attended for the sake “human rights.” “It’s not my place to have an opi…
