EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has announced a Fall referendum on the general notion of referendums, including what they are, what if any questions they could ask, and why Alberta Separatists are right about everything.
“Like, what even is a referendum, man?” will be the opening question on the wide-ranging referendum ballot, featuring hundreds of questions, all of which lead tangentially back to whether Alberta should remain part of Canada. This will be followed by a multi-paragraph referendum in the form of a riddle, asking “If a Separatist wants to separate, but cannot ask to separate from Canada, is a ballot question asking whether they want to stay in Canada technically a referendum?”
The extensive questioning continues at length. “Do you support the Government of Alberta badgering its electorate with loaded questions to create a thin justification for contentious policy goals?” will be question number 47 on the referendum, falling between “Do you support cutting diplomatic ties with British Columbia?” and “Assuming that a competent hairstylist was chosen for the task, do you believe Premier Smith could pull off a shorter cut?”
“Albertans deserve to have their voices prompted into speaking on my behalf,” Smith said during a televised speech. “And come October, we’ll be having a conversation about every conceivable subject simultaneously.”
Other questions being raised by the referendum include how the Oilers should attempt to keep Connor McDavid after his current contract expires, whether Mark Carney really, really sucks, or just really sucks, and whether people from Red Deer should have the same rights as other Albertans.
“I’m not sure if we need to distract ourselves from Alberta’s systemic issues by holding a vote that blames everything on immigrants,” said Martin Duplass, of Calgary. “Luckily, one of the referendum questions is, ‘Should we continue to distract ourselves from Alberta’s systemic issues by just holding votes that blame everything on immigrants?’”
Voters will be mailed a draft of the three-volume ballot so they’ll have time to study up before October’s non-binding referendum, which is expected to last for three and a half weeks given that every Albertan will need several hours in the voting booth to complete all 673 pages.
“We encourage all Albertans to prepare for the democratic process by packing a substantial meal, bringing any essential medication, and making any necessary childcare arrangements,” an Elections Alberta spokesperson said. “And if you’re planning on arriving at a polling station late in the day, an overnight bag is recommended.”
At press time, “How long can we keep blaming everything on Justin Trudeau?” and “Should Alberta try going by Al sometimes when the province is feeling casual?” were being added to the ballot, along with 47 other new questions.
