OTTAWA – As the Conservative Party leadership contest officially gets underway party insiders expressed confidence that the same members who last time supported libertarian, racist uncle Maxime Bernier and personification of a t-shirt tucked into jeans Andrew Scheer will this time choose a charming, well-spoken leader who can attract voters from across the political spectrum.
“We know what we need. Someone who can win the GTA and Montreal suburbs, and who doesn’t alienate the country with extreme right-wing views,” said one anonymous official. “And even though our members are overwhelmingly people who hate the GTA and Montreal and hold extreme right-wing views, we are confident they will make the correct choice.”
“I mean, it’s not like they’re going to vote for Pierre Poilievre or something right? Right?!”
In the 2017 leadership race the top contenders were Bernier, ‘Canada’s Trump’ O’Leary, ‘Canada’s other Trump’ Kellie Leitch, ‘back-up Andrew Scheer’ Brad Trost and Scheer, the eventual winner. Meanwhile centrist candidates who could appeal to female voters and people of colour like Lisa Raitt and Michael Chong were mostly ignored. But now that the party has spent 3 years working itself into a fury over the carbon tax, stoking separatist elements in Alberta and Saskatchewan, and convincing itself that Trudeau is Satan’s emissary on earth, that’s all about to change.
“I’m hoping to run on a platform of a balanced budget, embracing the LGBTQ community and making common sense plans to protect our environment,” said Rona Ambrose before being drowned out by chants of ‘Lock Him Up, Lock Him Up’ from the party members she was speaking to.
Said one party member. “I’ll vote for the person I think can convince Canadians that market solutions and proper conservation will do more to stop climate change than any carbon tax. That or the person who promises to send all those Jihadi terrorists Trudeau paid millions of dollars to move here straight to hell!”
“I hope Ezra Levant runs!” he added.
In related news Andrew Scheer was thinking about running again in the hopes that the country has already forgotten he was ever Party leader.