TORONTO – Struggling to address the public backlash from their revisions to the funding for the Ontario Autism Program, the Progressive Conservative Party has pivoted to introduce a new Buck-an-Autism project to solve the problem.
“Right, so, instead of everyone getting a little money or fewer people getting slightly more but still quite little money, everyone is going to get a dollar for autism,” said a beaming Doug Ford to assembled members of the press.
“Unless that doesn’t make sense. Does that make sense? Wait, what about if we just gave everyone in the province a buck and asked them to donate it to autism therapy? Is that better? Can we do that? That way we can still use the slogan!” he continued.
The announcement comes amidst confusion within the party as to why the public didn’t love their initial brilliant plan to ensure that almost no one could access effective autism support systems. After the roaring success of Buck-a-Beer where just under two breweries agreed to charge only a dollar a beer, the Ford government was riding high on convincing discerning citizens to like them by giving them stuff for cheap. Sadly, the shift has been met with less enthusiasm than expected.
“I don’t understand it at all. Autism is a neuro-behavioural condition. It’s not a thing that can be quantified by reference to a monetary value” said Martha Generie, the mother of an eight-year old with ASD. “Was this just a catchy title? Did no one think this through? We actually do need help.”
A close look at the PC platform reveals that the majority of their legislative changes simply revolve around telling people things are going to be “a buck” and hoping people confuse that for sound policy. The Buck-an Autism- project comes on the heels of Buck-a-Kindergarten, Buck-a-Toronto-City-Councilor, and the upcoming Buck-an-Ontario-Place programs. And while many experts called for the PC’s to apportion needs-based funding for autism, that approach unfortunately did not fit well into a catchy phrase based on a dated beer jingle.
“The autism gravy train must come to a halt!” Ford exclaimed to an empty room. “I pledge to put an end to the suffering of families trying to find affordable autism support, so long as it doesn’t require any critical thought, in-depth analysis, or financial compromise on the part of the members of my staff and cabinet.”
“Remember, anything that costs money is bad! Unless it’s only a buck!,” he screamed into the abyss.