TORONTO – In a press conference announcing a slate of new programming for the year, Netflix head of content acquisitions Audrey Gardiner was excited to reveal that Andrew Scheer, leader of Canada’s Conservative Party, would be hosting a reality show in which he enters the homes of modern, cosmopolitan millennials and helps them reinvent themselves in his image.
Said Gardiner: “Scheer Eye is not only an excellent showcase of the opposition leader’s signature dull style, and stilted, paint-by-numbers life choices, it’s also an opportunity for the country to have a long-overdue dialogue about accepting closeted bigots and social climbers into the fabric of society.”
A typical episode would see Scheer and four of his dull shadow cabinet ministers (whom the show dubs ‘The Drab Five’) come skulking into a modern, open-concept studio apartment occupied by a couple of progressive, polyamorous housemates who work as graphic designers, or Search Engine Optimization experts. He would then immediately throw around their bongs, yoga mats, and buddhist paraphernalia in exaggerated disgust, and ask them if they’ve ever even been to Pottery Barn, or Bed Bath and Beyond.
Pierre Poilievre, in charge of reinventing “Lifestyle” would demand to know why they aren’t working as a hedge fund manager, or at the very least registering themselves as a corporation. Ed Fast, “Hair and Makeup” would trash their bathroom while throwing down sensible best practices to make their sex life more vanilla. Michelle Rempel, “Female Genital Mutilation” would engage the hip housemates on where they stand re: Female Genital Mutilation, making it clear that she is definitively against Female Genital Mutilation herself. Rempel is expected to give regular reminders about the horrifying practice at least five times per episode just in case the viewers forgot.
After the initial explosive meeting, Scheer and his posse would spend the week with the baffled millennials they had blindsided, encouraging them to wear sensible gray slacks, to eat a diet of mainly Canadian Dairy Farmers Cottage Cheese (or at least to buy a lot of it) and to drive a Ford F-150. They would also likely explain the literal necessity of having no fewer than five children if you don’t want God (who is definitely a man) to turn his back on you.
“It’s true,” admitted Gardiner, after the customary polite applause that usually follows new programming announcements did not happen, “most people end up crying at the end of these shows because they’re overwhelmed with happiness, but in this one they’re just sort-of quietly weeping in genuine despair. That’s a fair point. But on the other hand, the Drab Five is standing right there, reprimanding them because crying is unmasculine.”
“Yes,” she added, as a reporter’s hand shot up. “Even the women.”
