HAMILTON, ON – In a growing trend, some Canadian dads won’t be receiving a traditional Father’s Day gift this year. Instead of tools, flannel, or mid-tier barbecue accessories, they’ll be getting…
Tag: drugs
Stoned guy at mass really enjoying Body of Christ
WINDSOR, ON — A stoned man attending Catholic mass this past weekend appeared to particularly enjoy the Communion wafers on offer. Jon Talbot, 34, popped an edible prior to attending mass with hi…
Strung out province comes crawling back to Dealer for another hit
TORONTO – After swearing they were done with him and everything he offers, the province of Ontario has come crawling back to its dealer for another taste. “Hey man! You holding any hi…
Five subtle ways to tell your friends you’re a ketamine guy now
[EDITOR: If you don’t know what ketamine is, get hip! It’s a horse tranquilizer that’s made its way to the streets, a possible therapeutic treatment for depression, and a dissociative substance t…
Drug dealer shockingly bad at getting people drugs
TORONTO – With Ontario in the midst of a third wave of the COVID Pandemic, Ontario Premier and former hash dealer Doug Ford has proven to be absolutely terrible at getting residents the pha…
5 new party drugs that are just you taking your antidepressants regularly
Worried about being out of the loop when this is all over and you can finally go back to clubbing? Fear not: we’ve assembled this handy list of the latest party drugs to emerge during the COVID-1…
Summer camp cancellations deprive millions of tweens access to first-base
MUSKOKA, ON – After the news that overnight camps would be suspended this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic, millions of tweens were left heartbroken upon the realization that this would no…
Police arrest dealer responsible for selling speed to world population of squirrels
VANCOUVER – After a years-long joint investigation by multiple international agencies, authorities have finally arrested the drug kingpin responsible for supplying all squirrels with massiv…
Unimaginative Alice in Wonderland School play contains total lack of psychedelic drugs
Whitby, ON – A production of Alice in Wonderland staged at P.L. Thomas Elementary School has reportedly disappointed many audience members due to the directors and cast’s unfortunate failure to e…
Vice reporter regrets taking so many drugs before parliamentary press gallery
OTTAWA — Steve Tering, a recent hire for Vice media, is currently wishing he had not consumed a variety of uppers, downers and hallucinogens before trying to cover a routine press gallery a…
