EDMONTON – Following recent revelations, observers have determined that Danielle Smith’s official calendar of duties as Alberta’s Premier consists entirely of 90% inappropriately communicating with justice officials for leniency in COVID-related prosecutions, and 10% cowboy hat wearing photos ops.
The insight into Premier Smith’s lopsided schedule comes after revelations that she made “almost weekly” calls to top Alberta Justice officials about such COVID-centric prosecutions.
“Yeah, Premier Smith would be first in the office, and last to leave at night,” noted one anonymous aide, “but basically her entire day would be filled up with dozens of calls to prosecutors demanding leniency for people who broke COVID rules. Most days she wouldn’t even go to the bathroom.”
The aide added, “Sometimes Smith would take breaks for coffee, but it was mostly just so she’d have the energy to call more prosecutors.”
While Smith’s schedule as premier has been revealed to contain absolutely no formal meetings, policy briefings, strategy sessions, or interviews, aides were quick to insist that meddling in COVID-related justice cases was not her sole focus.
“Oh yeah, she’d take a break from relentlessly calling prosecutors for any photo appearance where she got to wear a cowboy hat. Literally, any appearance,” noted another source from Premier Smith’s office. “I mean, she is an Albertan politician, after all.”
Trevor Andrews, an Alberta Crown Prosecutor, reveals that he was the recipient of multiple calls from Smith, all singularly focused on helping Albertans who had broken COVID laws.
“In one incredibly minor summary case I got calls from Premier Smith every day of the week, multiple times of day,” notes Andrews. “I kept asking, ‘Aren’t there way more important things you should be doing right now as Premier?’ And she’d be like ‘Fine, I’ll just pardon the guy when you convict him’, so then I tried to explain that Canadian premiers can’t pardon people like American governors, and so she accused me of ‘violating her First Amendment rights.’”
“I wish that had ended the phone calls from her,” adds a defeated Andrews, “But the next day Smith was right back at it, calling me during my daughter’s little league game.”
Even an Alberta pastor who received calls from Smith regarding his criminal trial on pandemic-related charges confessed he soon became concerned. “At first I thought, ‘she’s fighting for me against government tyranny’,” notes Pastor James Royce, of Lethbridge, “but eventually she was calling me at all hours of the night. We had to change our home number! Don’t tell her you spoke to us!”
At press time Premier Smith’s office has issued no statement on an earthquake caused by oil patch activity, but did unveil a series of bus-side advertisements featuring her wearing a cowboy hat, urging Albertans to call her at 1-800-SMITH-4-U to get ‘top notch pro-bono advocacy” on any and all COVID-related legal charges.