Local man underestimates temperature of dumpling

WINKLER, MN – Incorrectly thinking that he had let it sit on his plate for a long enough time, Winkler resident Fred Collins was burned by a pork dumpling at dinnertime. “I was hungry, and I thou…

Prom night ruined by expectations

NATIONAL – Teenagers everywhere are reporting that their local high school proms have been completely ruined by expectations built up over years of movies, television and their own lack of …

Local woman concerned Thai coup could endanger lives, upcoming vacations

GUELPH, ON – In the wake of a military coup d’etat in Thailand that has thrown the country into chaos as protesters and soldiers do battle in the streets, local woman Steffanie Bruner has a…

Lucky fan catches Edwin Encarnacion’s bat with face

TORONTO – Rewarded at last for a lifetime of support, local Jays fan Steven Quinn has been lucky enough to catch one of the many bats thrown by Edwin Encarnacion, using only his nose and te…

Rubber duck race in Fort McMurray ends in sadness

Athabasca River, Fort McMurray, Alberta – The fun community event which includes participants placing bets on numbered rubber ducks and putting them in a river with the hopes of their duck …

Rest of nation trying not to be too happy about Habs loss

CANADA – Canadians outside of Quebec carefully hid their excitement today following yesterday’s elimination of the Montreal Canadiens from the NHL playoffs. “Of course it’s very unfortunate…

Feds wish someone, anyone would do something about missing aboriginal women

OTTAWA – A statement released today by the department of Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development has called on “somebody, please” to do something about the fact that hundreds of aborigi…

Game of Thrones to raise revenue with product integration

LONDON — In the wake of discussions about how the popular fantasy saga Game of Thrones can maintain profitability as more and more viewers choose to illegally download rather than pay to view the…

GM recalls being good at making cars

DETROIT, MI – In the wake of several manufacturing errors on many different models affecting over 13.6 million vehicles, General Motors has announced that it is recalling that it used to be…

Experts searching for Malaysian Flight 370 report ‘Fuck it, it was aliens’

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA –  Upon completing their submersible drone sweep of the floor of the Indian ocean, researchers searching for the missing Malaysian airline flight 370 say they have reached…