TORONTO – Following Eugene Melynk’s successful liver surgery, doctors are encouraging patients waiting for lifesaving organ donations to consider purchasing an NHL team, preferably one that makes the playoffs.
“Owning a hockey brand worth hundreds of millions is a start,” said Dr. Noor Darwish at the Toronto General. “Whether you have a complicated liver situation or end stage renal disease, the transplant will more likely move forward if you have access to a diverse fan base who are ordinarily too busy completing their fantasy picks to fill out an organ donor card.”
Dr. Darwish recommends having invested $250-300 million in an NHL team that “has depth and strong goal-tending” before developing any significant chronic illness that requires an organ or tissue donation as a preventative measure.
Hockey fans also said they would be more likely to donate to GMs, coaches, and first and fourth lines.
“Yeah, I’d give a lung to (Erik) Karlsson or (Andrew) Hammond,” said Sens Army member Greg Patch. “But I would never give it to complete strangers or (back-up goalie Robin) Lehner. They just haven’t earned it.”
At press time, Toronto Maple Leafs management had made several public appeals for brain transplants.
