TORONTO – Sources say that, despite what you might have thought, the guy that they used to call “Muttonhawk” seems to have actually been doing pretty alright, these last couple of years. “It was...
Local man’s new year’s resolutions too depressing for rest of party
REGINA – Sources inside Beverly Ackerman’s New Year’s Eve party last night say the event was brought to a screeching halt when attendee Michael Griffin proceeded to reveal the sad, inconsequenti...
Party-goer sure New Year’s cigar won’t make him throw up this time
TORONTO – In spite of four previous years’ worth of contrary evidence, local man Jeff Andrews is firm in his belief that he can handle a cigar without becoming horribly ill this New Year’s Eve. “Umm, ...
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with each o...
Local man unashamed that he still owns devil-sticks
Nineteen years after he first got them, Kingston resident Darren McPhee, 33, has reaffirmed publicly that he both owns devil-sticks and regularly uses them. “Yeah, I stick,” said McPhee, “I can kneel-...
Italian dinner interrupted by violent antipasto demonstration
WOODBRIDGE, ON – A pleasant end-of-week dinner at Alice Fazooli’s restaurant in Woodbridge was interrupted for many families yesterday evening when a ten-person mob of antipasto protesters stormed the...
Plucky investigative reporter found extremely dead
TORONTO – After spending several days delving into the dark world of political corruption, Ken Smead, a local idealistic reporter, has been found super-duper murdered. “Hoo boy,” said city coron...
Vancouver makes New Year’s Resolution to stop tempting gods with mortal hubris
VANCOUVER – In the wake of a magnitude 4.9 earthquake that struck the BC coast late Tuesday night, Vancouver City Council has unanimously passed a New Year’s Resolution to avoid invoking the wrath of ...
Health-conscious dweeb opts for knuckle salad
TORONTO – Local dorkazoid Lewis Milliken has turned down a knuckle sandwich being offered by several men in a dark alleyway, preferring instead to get a healthier alternative. “Normally I’d say ...
Body of Jimmy Hoffa discovered behind permanent retainer wire
DETROIT, MI – After a decades-long search, authorities have located the body of labour leader Jimmy Hoffa behind the permanent retainer wire of local 20-year-old Flora Williams. “It’s tough to f...
