TORONTO – After spending several days delving into the dark world of political corruption, Ken Smead, a local idealistic reporter, has been found super-duper murdered.
“Hoo boy,” said city coroner, Dr. Don Mendel, gesturing toward the especially-passed-on investigative journalist. “At first I thought someone had just left a particularly large spaghetti meal on my table.”
Smead, who will never be confused with an alive guy ever again, was killed gruesomely while trying to prove a financial link between several high-powered politicians, an illegal MMA fighting league, a bandsaw and shark smuggler, the local meat tenderizers union, and one very ill-tempered pitbull.
“Death is never funny, but c’mon, this guy got killed so bad that it’s kind of absurd,” said newspaper editor Michael St. Clair of the hamburger-fied reporter. “It’s as if someone dumped a human jigsaw puzzle on the floor. This would be the final shot in a gritty reboot of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. He’s like the LeBron James of not being alive anymore.”
“He’s deceased is what I’m trying to say.”
At press time, Smead’s family was having an open casket because, man, you gotta see this to believe it.