REGINA – Sources inside Beverly Ackerman’s New Year’s Eve party last night say the event was brought to a screeching halt when attendee Michael Griffin proceeded to reveal the sad, inconsequential ways he intended to improve his life in 2016.
“We were all having a good time, chatting about how we would like to lose weight or maybe travel more,” said Tricia Watson. “Then Michael started talking and it was just like ‘oh god.’ If those things will make your life better, what is it like right now?”
“I mean, you’re going to try to shower more than once a week. Try to!”
Other attendees were similarly horrified.
“I guess you don’t realize what a safe bubble you live in until you’re confronted with the raw, ugly side of humanity. And in that moment I knew that I just didn’t have the strength to handle something like this,” said Eric Coulier.
Other resolutions given by Griffin included to stop hiring escort services by using his father’s name and credit card, to buy a new bathrobe because his current one has mold, and to “occasionally” go outside during daylight. For his part Griffin didn’t understand what the problem was.
“I mean 2015 was a pretty good year. I finally found the back scratcher I thought I’d lost. But like everyone else, there are some ways I could improve things, so I just named a few of them off the top of my head. Obviously I didn’t get into any of the real heavy stuff because it was a party.”
The rest of the party-goers clearly did not share this viewpoint. As midnight approached and they watched the ball drop, no countdown or cheering was heard. The dozen or so people in attendance simply stared at the descent of the glowing orb, realizing that in a few short years they too would descend, into the grave.